I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT I MISS U
It has been a month since the big departure. With all the farewell cards that contained too little words to express how much I really felt. It was 0053 290618. For the longest time, I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want tomorrow to come. For the longest time, my heart felt like I had invested a tad too much into the relationships forged over these 6 months. On the 2nd of January, when I stepped into the office for the first time, it was the first day to the end of my life. I never really had the will to do much, my mum was going through a lot, I found out about the death of my friend. I started feeling a little too under-prepared to face the rest of my life. Yet, with every breath shared in the same office, I pulled through. In fact, with happy moments.
Never have I felt so comfortable to open up to people so fast. In a sense, they built a home in me, I really wanted to write so much more in those cards but I really did not know how. I felt like I should have written everything down beforehand. For the longest time, I had found a home I could run to in times of fear and break downs.
As I wrote those letters, I felt so scared to face the world alone this soon.I did not know why I was crying that midnight. It might have been the music I was playing from the stupid "Toppled wine bottles" playlist of mine. Or it could simply be the very fact that my heart was already missing the times we had. I did not have another option to express myself then, It took me 30 minutes to complete only 2 damn farewell cards. Every time I picked up that black pen and penned down my feelings, I felt a slice of pain across my chest and it stopped me from continuing.
I kept thinking life was going to be difficult without having the feeling of support for 5/7 of my life. I could not hide my sadness and I just wanted to run into all of your arms and cry. I believed it was the fact that we all had the commonality of wanting to prove ourselves that we were able to make it in the creative industry that really connected us. The fact that we were all trying to improve hand in hand with each other was so heartwarming. Even during those bad times, we were on the right side of rock bottom (credit song lyrics) and it didn't seem so scary there. Somehow we complement each other so well and I will forever remember this bond we share.
A bird never leaves its nest before learning how to fly but I felt like I wasn't ready to take on the skies yet. Time was a bitch. Still is. It hurts to leave. However, I told myself to stay hopeful. I knew that separation was inevitable. We will occasionally miss those conversations at night. Those conversations of everything and nothing. Those dreams we had, It will come to a point where communication becomes rare. Our future friends or kids will find our pictures. They will question who those people were, The tips of our lips will curve up. Our eyes will have invisible tears, Our hearts will be warmed. Then, we will reply that it was with them when we had the best days of our lives. We will hate ourselves from being careless and becoming vulnerable in the moment. We will hate to admit it but we will know that we missed us.
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